I am fearful.
Tears course down the walls of my heart
Those barriers so carefully built, stones so purposefully laid.
Stones shifting, cracking, breaking, crumbling.
Soon I will be open, exposed, vulnerable.
I am crying,
crying,
crying.
The more I try to quell it, the faster tears flow.
As I am exposed, the floodgates start to open.
I must build another wall.
If you love me, stay away.
If you care, draw near.
Are you safe?
I need you. I fear you. And still I cry.
Bitterness. Longing. Loneliness.
I am weeping.
Is my need for love great than my fear of pain?
Weeping.
Perfect love casts out fear.
Weeping.
Where do I go from here?
Weeping. Till the tears flow no more.
Dark alleys intrigue me. They shelter me from the cacophony
of sirens, horns, and the constant swish
of rubber against pavement. Or they might, if I ventured in. Dark alleys get a
bad rep – stay away. But what of the mystery? What could be hidden in the deep
recesses of the unknown? A child, huddled in the shadows, seeking shelter from
a hostile world? One that I can help, lead into the light to warmth, food,
cleanliness. Or is that child me? Am I the one seeking shelter, seeking to
hide? Is frightened solitude better than upholding the façade of strength and
confidence? If I am alone, I have no one to impress, no one to assure, no one
to help. My image no longer matters, my guard can drop and the many fears oft
held at bay may rush in and overwhelm me like a flood, washing over me with
familiarity, greedily claiming me as their own.
This
is why I stay away from dark alleys. They call to give in to the release of
those that haunt my life.
Emptiness
Emptiness, confusion, wrack my soul
My heart grows weak, dark, and cold
Bitterness heaves it’s crusty head
Rebelling at what is expected
Meek, submissive, quiet me
Rebels with bristling dignity
Biting tongue that poison flow
Not on unsuspecting foe
Why foe, when only fortnight past
The heart-ties bound us tight and fast?
I know not where I went astray
To find such pain has come my way.
He is my peace. And yet I find
That I am searching through my mind
For the cause of wearying restlessness
For the source of this miry mess.
He is my peace. Yet he has caused
A baring of my many flaws
A stripping of what was secure
I find myself with nothing more
Than Him.
And yet I plead He give me more
I still desire Him and more
Though He alone should be my all
And though I hear his ceaseless call
This summons to come and drink so deep
I resist, afraid
to make the leap
It’s hard to commit, to fully devote
I selfishly cling to the world I have built
And that is why I cringe inside
Desperately I seek to hide
From what?
I turn to Him and realize
He sees the
pain behind my eyes.
The hopelessness so thinly veiled
Pleading, till now to no avail.
But why? I cry, Must you first break
My heart and soul, core and strength?
I come before you, empty, worn
Weary, tired, laden, torn.
In faithfulness have you afflicted
Knowing I will be perfected
And though affliction comes from you
I weep.
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