I have filled my life with distractions until I nearly suffocated under their weight. I said I trusted God to show me where to walk, what the next step in life was - but I wouldn't sit quietly long enough to listen him. A small corner of my conscious prodded me to stop filling my life with small nothings, to remember my God and seek after him, but I often muffled it with thoughts of "not yet. soon. after I _____." read, watch this show, work, spend time with family, sleep. So many excuses. Sometimes I assuaged the guilt by opening my Bible and dispassionately reading a chapter or by shooting off a quick prayer. But I knew the time was coming when I must once again get serious, set my feet firmly on the path, and seek His face.
The time has come.
Being in Ecuador, though only for a short time, has stirred something inside me. Yesterday nearly everyone was leaving for the day, so I went over to El Refugio.
I went there often in my high school years, a retreat center previously run by some very good friends, set at the base of a great hill/mountain ridge. Trails climb up the incline through the trees to meet low and high ropes courses, a zip line, a campfire circle, zigzagging up, up, up the steep slopes. This was my goal, to hike up until I found the perfect spot to sit and pray. The yearning for communion with my God grew stronger the more I thought of it. So I ventured out, lungs burning, calves shaking, up, up, as I settled into a steady rhythm. I suddenly remembered why I liked mountain climbing.
Alone, I felt no pressure to go faster than I felt I could, no guilt for holding others back. I enjoyed the steady rhythm: breathe in and step with my right foot, breathe out and step with left. Lizards scurried off the trail at my approach, a fox looked back at me and loped into the bushes. The sun shone brightly, sometimes boldly warming my back, sometimes friendlily peeking through speckled shadows of leaves. A strong breeze brought fresh air to cool me in my exertion. As I got higher I saw the red shingled roofs of the buildings of El Refugio dwindling below me.
I found the perfect spot. The path leveled out and broadened to encompass a fire pit with benches around it overlooking a gorgeous vista. Pine needles cushioned the ground, an air of peace encompassed the shady clearing. Uncertain where to start, I opened to Isaiah 40, a favorite passage of mine. Completely isolated from listening ears, I felt comfortable reading aloud, feeling the passion of the prophet roll from my tongue and tighten my chest. I cried as the LORD lamented Israel's rejection of Him, and as He forgave them anyway. I followed Isaiah through chapter 53, another that touches my heart, reading and rereading, frequently copying verses into my journal. Then I knelt down and prayed.
And in the stillness of my open soul, waiting before the LORD, I felt the certainty which I had sought for months - what to do next in life. And His peace and joy filled my being.
Our God is so good. Yet how often do we, His people, stop up our ears and close our eyes, persisting in giving our attention to useless things and then grumbling against God in our calamities? I ache to convey God's faithfulness and goodness and mercy, to show people their sin and God's redemption. I ache for those who are blind to it and have never tasted it. I ache for those who, like I, knew but have forgotten.
We in our pride think it is all about us, about making ourselves happy. We often think God will make our lives go the way we want them to. We often think God loves us and saves us because we are special. But this is so wrong. He saves us for His sake. If we are special, it is because he has chosen us.
I shouldn't seek God so He will give me something. Lately my focus has been on finding direction, not on being with God. I should seek God because of who He is. I limit myself and spurn God when my focus is on my wants and needs and how God can give them to me. God has created me and redeemed me for His glory. May my life be ever for this end.
"I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44:22
