B.A. in Educational Ministries - Youth Ministry

I ought to be rejoicing.

But instead I feel rather numb. Every now and then, I realize I have graduated. I am done. There is no more homework, no more academic pressure. I blink, and feel a small stirring of satisfaction at the tip of my rib cage. I blink again, and it's gone. More often than not, if I even think about it tears threaten to spill over and join the wave of loneliness and homesickness washing over me.

Commencement is supposed to be the beginning - but the beginning of what? Real life. Adulthood. My problem is, I don't know how to be an adult. I still love swinging, singing children's songs, reading picture books, standing on things just to be taller... So what is someone wearing pigtails and humming Psalty songs doing in the Real World?

As I walked up to the stage, having not slept the night before and already made one mistake in the ceremony, I was afraid I might simply collapse in front of Dr. Nyquist as he held out my "diploma." When I sat back down, the butterflies, tired of being trapped in my innards, were beating with all their might making sure I knew something special had just happened. (Either special or awful, they don't know how to differentiate between the two).
Many of my friends have much to look forward to - weddings, great job offers, internships... I don't know yet what I am doing. All my efforts over the past few months have brought me to this day - and now it is over.
I'm ok not knowing the future, it doesn't bother me that much. I have full confidence my God will make things clear. But there is nothing pulling me forward, driving me onward, no spice of excitement and anticipation.

So I sleep (a lot), mourn the loss of what was, and generally walk around in a daze. Pretty soon I'll have to gird up my loins and pull up on my bootstraps - but for a brief moment I hover in time and space, enjoying the uncertainty, being "other," observing my life, waiting on God. And every day, it becomes a bit more real: I am Cristina Hunter, college graduate, Moody Alum.