This One's for Valentine's Day

Chocolates and roses.

Teddy bears and pink hearts.

It's that time of year. Where romance blooms, or not. Love is celebrated, or longed for. Special dates and special presents. I recently saw a social media post from a young person I know saying just because he's already her boyfriend doesn't mean he doesn't have to ask her to be his valentine. There is a lot of pressure around this holiday, a lot of social and cultural expectations.

But I'd like to challenge some of these assumptions, to contradict the notion that romance looks like gifts and poems and flowers and chocolates.

There is more than one kind of romance. More than this socially projected and expected expression of love.

You see, if the popular idea of Valentine's Day is the norm for romance, then my dad was never very romantic. Neither is my husband. I can count on one hand the times my Man has brought me flowers, and the only time he gave me chocolate was the 3 bars he brought back from France last summer. At first, I wanted to receive the "normal" romantic expressions from the man who loved me, to get flowers "just because," to have fancy date nights planned for me, to hear sweet nothings and be told I was beautiful all the time. 

This year, as the Husband expressed his disinterest in Valentine's Day plans and my first response was disappointment, I examined my reaction. Valentine's Day is special, it's a day to celebrate love, right? But every day, the Man celebrates our love in little ways that make me feel cherished and cared for. Every morning of my childhood, my dad brought my mom a hot cup of tea in bed. And my Husband is so very like him.

I often wake thirsty in the night, so I keep a bottle of water by the bed. More often than not, the Husband fills it for me before I even remember to. Before we switched to flannel sheets, he heated my rice bag and placed it at the foot of the bed so my cold toes would encounter warmth. If there are ever any dishes in the sink that I haven't washed (again, more often than not), he washes them without complaint. He chips off the ice so I can sit warm in the car. He comes home from work early when I've had a bad anxiety day, just because I need him near.

Each of these and so many more are his constant, frequent gifts of love.

Dear Young Women, love is not flowers and gifts and showing you off and knowing your size. Love is patience when you cry because you dropped something, kindness when you burned the food, understanding your needs enough to avoid the things that stress you. Love is encouraging you to pursue God and fellowship with others, knowing that you need this on Sunday morning more than extra sleep. Love is celebrating your victories over inner struggles, even when they would be small to anyone else. Love is treasuring you regardless of what you do for him.

Love looks a little different for each person in each relationship, but I can guarantee that it is not solely, or even mainly, what is sold to us by consumerism and the media.

In fact, love isn't just romantic. For years when I was single, I watched people around me grit their teeth and bear it through February 14, calling it "National Singleness Awareness Day," or bemoaning their lack of significant other. I observe movies and TV shows as characters scramble for a date to avoid being alone.

But I never felt that way. There is so much love in each of our lives to celebrate without a significant other, because being in a relationship, getting married, and having children isn't the ultimate achievement. Your ultimate happiness won't come from a romantic relationship - many divorced couples will tell you that.

So this Valentine's Day, go ahead, celebrate love. I'll be celebrating friendship and fellowship of those brought together by the love of Christ in our church small group. Celebrate your relationship, celebrate friendships and family, but don't let others' expectations dictate what that celebration looks like. Instead, look for those small, everyday acts of kindness that you share with those you love.

And then maybe eat some chocolate, too.