"Cease Striving." A glimpse of my internal dialogue

Yesterday and today were hard days.

Deep breath, blink back tears. Deep breath, let it out slowly.

Myriad frustrations and fears, irritations and inadequacies swirl around, whispering incessantly that I am not enough.

Deep breath, blink back tears. Deep breath, let it out slowly.

All day I sought to pull myself out of the slough of despond with different songs. (If you know me, you know I am always singing. Always). Give me Jesus was one of the main ones. Good songs, beautiful songs, but songs that were still focused on me, on what I needed. That's where my focus was. I can't handle this. I need them to stop complaining. (J, I warned you I would write about you!) Why does nothing I say make a difference? I am so tired. I need to have a better attitude. Near the end of the day I started praising God rather than asking God.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

When I took my eyes off myself and put them on Him, so much pressure was relieved.

But still, little things kept going wrong and my exhaustion blew them out of proportion.

Deep breath, blink back tears. Deep breath, let it out slowly.

"God, I don't understand why my day was so hard." My fingers pick out the chords to "I have decided to follow Jesus" as I finally unwind at home. The verse "The world behind me, the cross before me" rings through my head over and over again. The cross before me. Ever before me. Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame. Fix your eyes on Jesus. He endured the cross and I can't even endure a hard day. Really, Cristina? Fix your eyes on Jesus. You need to get better at this.

My phone trills, announcing the arrival of a text:
"Cease striving and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalms 46:10"

Did you know that the Psalms were written for me? Because I'm pretty sure God said that specifically to me and had someone write it down a long time ago because (as I taught in the lesson about Joseph in Egypt today) God knows everything and knows what will be needed and so knew that I needed to hear that today. RIGHT NOW.

Cease striving and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

"I'm trying to do everything right, God, but I can't! I don't know why it's so hard or why I keep failing!"

"Cease striving."

It quiets my soul, the protests die out.

"Cease striving and know that I am God."

If He is God, then I don't have to be. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have it all together, I don't have to get it right all the time.

"Cease striving and know that I am God."

If He is God, then it's ok that I am weak, because He is all-powerful, and His power is shown off best in my weakness.

"Cease striving and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations."

Briefly the thought passes through my mind that I'm not cut out for the city. Last week someone on the street yelled at me harshly for parking the van, and I nearly cried. A friend was surprised yesterday that I stood up for myself in another situation, and when I tried to reprimand the kids apparently I did it too nicely.  I thought I had toughened up, but it seems not nearly enough. The thought passed through my mind that I won't be effective in showing the kids Christ, being too weak and gentle to be heard.

"I will be exalted in the earth."

If I "mess up" in trying to make Him known, it's ok. My failings won't keep God from receiving the glory of which He is worthy, He will be exalted. It's not conditional. Stop trying so hard. He's God and it's going to happen, the weight of the world does not rest on you, Cristina. He will be exalted.

And when you realize and remember who God is, that's all that really matters in the end.

When people throw things at your car. (Because I have no better title).

Driving through an unfamiliar neighborhood, having dropped off a kid after Bible study who lived further away, I tried to maneuver one way residential streets to get back on a familiar main road. It was a beautiful day, cool, sunny, breezy - my ideal weather. I slowed the big 15 passenger van for the kids in the street up ahead. They looked to be about the same age as the kids I work with at ICI, around 8th or 9th grade. There was a plastic cup and some sticks in the street, and the girl motioned for me to slow down, she seemed to be indicating the things in the middle of the road. I slowed to attempt to straddle them, in case it was some game or something they were playing, then stopped when a boy stepped out in front of the van and crossed over to be with the rest of his friends. As I accelerated, the girl threw a half-filled water bottle through the open window, hitting my wrist, and the boy threw a stick in front of my tires. I swerved instinctively to avoid it as the kids scattered, laughing and screaming, as if surprised they made it through the window and afraid I was going to come after them.
A small part of me thought the idiot kids needed to be taught a lesson - you really can't do that to people. A large part of the kids in the back of the van thought the same thing, vocalizing it quite loudly. (One later told me I should go back to that block and give those kids a whooping, because it's just not right for them to act like that. THAT was pretty funny, as the kid has done his fair share of stupid things too.) Mostly, I was just amused as I shook out my wrist to make sure it hadn't aggravated an old injury, leaned over to grab the bottle where it landed on the passenger seat and dropped in the in the trash bin between the seats.

I'd like to tie this into some deep spiritual truth. I love when things like this illustrate theological concepts. Maybe someday I'll come across one.

Mostly it just confirmed once again that I'm in the right business: my first instinct was to get out of the car and get to know them, invite them to ICI. I couldn't at the time, having other kids to bring home. I am glad Christ stirred my heart for the youth of Chicago, I just love them. I want so badly for these young men and women to know Him and I greatly enjoy getting to know them.

Even though they do stupid things like throwing trash into moving cars.

Change.

I just rearranged my living room.

This is a big deal because 1. Things are heavy and my roommate isn't home, 2. I started a little after midnight when I should have been sleeping, and 3. I HATE CHANGE.

I never understood the girls in college who rearranged their rooms a couple times a semester. Any time my roommate rearranged the room while I was gone during a break I cried a little inside as I put on what I hoped was a neutral face and said "Oh. You rearranged the room," listening to all the reasons it made the room better. I usually got used to it within a week, but preferred it to have stayed the same (I managed to be in the same room all four years, that's how much I love consistency).

So many things changed and fluctuated and made me feel "other" in my life that at least having the same possessions and having the furniture in the same place was something constant and familiar. When we moved when I was in Jr. High, my parents let us kids arrange the living room - it stayed pretty much the same for 7 years, as did my bedroom. (I still use the bedspread I started using when I was 12, brought with me from Ecuador).

I've lived here for less than a year and I have now changed things TWICE. The first time was out of necessity, things had to be shifted when I got a piano. The room is rectangular and I had the piano and the couch on the long sides, making the room very narrow. Today I moved the couch to under the window, making the room more square. And I like it.

Something changed and I like it.

Maybe it's the stability of living in one country for several years now, living in my own home for a nearly a year that allows me to enjoy change. Maybe it's the fulfillment that comes from loving your job and knowing you are valued and needed. Maybe it's from knowing I am exactly where God wants me right now. Maybe it's because things have been too steady, too safe, and I subconsciously need the change now. Or maybe the room arrangement was just awful before. Whatever the reason, changed happened and I was ok with it.

I think it is a sign that I am content. I am not holding on to things being exactly as they are, I am not fearful of the future or longing for the past or clinging to this scrap of reality. I am content enough to have something change and it not greatly shake my reality.

I am not fully in favor of change. I have not suddenly stopped liking things a specific way or being attached to familiar things (I will definitely cry inside when I trade out my car for something smaller). But I think it is a step. A step towards letting go of the need to cling to what I have, cling to the way things are, grasp on to anything for stability and consistency. My feet are planted and growing roots deep enough to enjoy the changing of seasons around me.

I could easily cry when I think of how happy I am at this point in my life. I love feeling planted.

I am content.