Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Sweeter than honey.

When I read God's Word, something stirs deep within my being. 

The words are sweet on my lips, warming my heart, flowing like music and poetry. My fingertips brush the page, tracing swirling patterns across the lines, lingering. This is my God. O, that all would know Him, would taste and see that my Lord is good! I wonder, do others treasure this as I do? Do my fellow brothers and sisters rest in the presence of their Lord? Are they moved by the sound of His words? Do they want to sing and dance and laugh with delight? Do they weep and tremble in sorrow and awe? 

Do you, beloved saints?

Or do you go about your lives, Christ carefully placed in the "Christian" corner of your thoughts, as you laugh at the cleverness of your wit, bemoan your circumstances, or drown your soul in your substance of choice? 

I, too, am so often distracted. I attempt to bury my fears and insecurities and sin and weariness in caffeine and sugar and fiction and people and busyness. I forget to turn to the words of my Lord, seeking Him for all I need. I am not on my own. I am not alone. 

He is waiting. Patient. Neglected. Forgiving. Calling out, whispering to us to slow down and remember. 

Remember.

Even as I settle down with this treasured Book, shameful of the days I have neglected it, my spirit stirs. I hurry on from chapter to chapter, I dwell for long moments on a single phrase; my soul has been starved and is eager to be revived. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. Be still and know that He is God.

I want to weep for those who do not know this. I mourn for the believer who misses the depths available to him through the leading of the Spirit. I long more than ever for those who come to ICI to know this joy. In my mind's eye, I see the faces of the kids I know at Inner City Impact and long to impart this to them. I long for them to know Christ and Him crucified, that they might taste the richness and sweetness of His word. 

"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Them them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door-frames of your houses and on your gates." - Deuteronomy 6:6-9

Is His Word ever before you? Teach your heart to desire it!


Words of the Psalmist, chapter 119.
 "How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" v103.
 "I long for your salvation, O LORD, and your law is my delight" v 174
 "I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word" v 16.
 "How I long for your precepts! Preserve my life in your righteousness." v40. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

A Blinking Mind, a Thankful Heart


I close my eyes for a brief moment as we taxi to the runway. It is somehow soothing to be on a plane. As the engines speed up and we take off, rising smoothly into the air, I turn to look out the window. I love to fly at night and see the city lights dwindling below. And I suddenly don't know where I am or where I am going. Not to or from Ecuador, is my first realization. Nor to or from Chicago, is my next wistful thought. Then... oh, yes. Denver. I'm looking at Denver. It seems my mind blinked and forgot I was leaving somewhere new.

     It's strange how one's upbringing affects one's life. I grew up traveling. And somehow traveling just feels right. My 6 hours in the bus wasn't all that bad. The 16 hour road trip was delightful. And my 2 hour flight is soothing. I am very much looking forward to being home and no longer a guest, yet I find a certain familiar thrill in traveling and a joy in seeing people and participating in their lives.
     I sit on a Southwest plane, surrounded by the warm rumbling of the engines and the soft murmuring of my fellow passengers, and I think on how I have been blessed recently. Blessed to witness the union of two dear friends before Christ. Blessed to reunite with friends of old. Blessed to make new friends, though they are scattered across the nation. Blessed to be able to share how God has led me to join in His work in Chicago, to see others catch this vision as He moves in their hearts. 
     This last blessing is especially appreciated. For sometimes, in brief moments of discouragement, I wonder if I am doing the right thing, if life wouldn't be easier some other way. And yet, as I perused the departure board before boarding my eye strayed to the word Chicago - and my heart leapt. I sighed, realizing that was not my destination. But that is where God has led my heart, and that is where I long to be. I miss talking with my Jr. High kids, teaching during Bible time, driving van route, serving with the other ICI missionaries, helping the kids think through different aspects of the gospel. I remember kneeling in the pine needles in the forested mountains of Ecuador and hearing my Lord say "Go." Just as Isaiah said, "Here am I, send me,"  I am ready. Just as Jeremiah cried out, "Your word is like a fire in my bones, I cannot keep it in,"  I am compelled. These assurances I remember when I lose sight of the why of support raising. And I remember what a privilege and blessing it is.
     As the plane begins its final descent, I am grateful that on top of the privilege of meeting with people and sharing the exciting way God is moving in Chicago, I get to travel. By plane, bus, car, and train. I get to see prairie dogs and windmills, the Rockies and corn fields, each with their own unique beauty. And I am presented over and over again with opportunities to praise my Lord. 
O LORD my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works thy hands have made...
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to thee,
How Great Thou Art!
Beautiful Colorado

Sunday, October 21, 2012

So long, Moody, Hello...


Cool winds sweep strands of hair into my eyes as I blink in the bright sunlight. Moody bustles, nearly glowing with activity - students making their way to and from class or dinner, studying in the shade or basking in the late summer sun, employees quietly making sure everything flows as it should. A warm satisfaction and contentment stirs inside me as I survey this. The sounds of the city waft over me, muted in the cove created by Moody structures. Snippets of theological discussions float by, laughter drifts on the breeze.

I feared discontent on my arrival to Moody, feared a gut-wrenching longing to return to the life of a college student, a life that I loved. I was pleasantly surprised to find that not only was I not going through withdrawal, but I fondly enjoyed my visit, content with memories of the past and with my current place in life. Eager faces, tired shoulders, brisk strides - each pass by, mingling into a single entity that makes me smile. Yes, I was here, I lived this life, and it was life-changing. But now I have stepped toward something new.


So long, Moody, hello ICI.

God has clearly guided me to Inner City Impact. I am thrilled to join in ministry with them, to be part of the furthering of God's kingdom amidst the brokeness of the youth of inner city Chicago. When my internship at ICI ended with the close of summer 2011, I didn't want to leave. I felt as though I had just brushed the surface, had been given just a taste of what was possible for the kids and the community through Christ. In the fullness of his time, (which to me felt like finally!) God gave me the go-ahead to join the full-time missionary team as a Jr High Discipler this past summer. I am so excited to serve Him and make His name known in Logan Square!



I pray that they may become rooted and established in love, that they might have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, that they might know this love that surpasses knowledge, in order that they may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:17-21


Thursday, September 13, 2012

...Whose name is Jealous.



I am a Jealous God...

I never understood this. Isn't jealousy wrong? Why would something that is wrong for us be something that God claims as his name? I  came to understand that it meant He didn't want to share our attention, our worship. (Jealousy being different than envy, though we often use them interchangeably). But it still didn't sink in, it didn't change my view of Him.

But it dawned on me recently.

I can be a fairly jealous person. I am not proud of this. I felt jealous and territorial when my "brother floor" at Moody had girls from past floors come and sit with them.  I sometimes feel jealous when I am insecure in a friendship, afraid that they might like the other person better than me. And when a boy I like starts talking to another girl, I am sure she will win his attentions over me. This I must conquer - I don't always like to share the people on whom I feel I have a claim.

God does not want to share us. Unlike me, in my weak selfish claim on people, God has every right to demand our full attention - He formed us and He paid for us. So when we devote ourselves to other things or people, when we are distracted, by a job, the latest technology, a relationship, media - whatever - we are not giving God our undivided attention. He is not receiving our full worship and devotion. He is jealous for our attention, for us to look to Him and only to Him for joy, peace, satisfaction, provision, healing. He is jealous for us to seek the best in Him. He is jealous for us to give our all to Him. 
God's jealousy is different than ours. We often are jealous out of fear or weakness. And we rarely have the right to make such a claim on a person. Yet God is justly jealous - sometimes in anger, always in love - and He deserves our utmost. 

So when i choose to watch Star Trek over reading scripture and praying - God is jealous. 
When my thoughts are consumed with whichever young man that has caught my affections - God is jealous.
When I start to think hungrily of a job that would pay well, of gathering up riches and resources and establishing myself that I might have security and control in my life - God is jealous.
When I approach life seeking ways to make me happy - God is jealous.

I offend God. I deprive him of what is His. I tell Him He has to share me. 
Let this not be so.

Oh, that the Church would cease her obsession with petty distractions and seek His face! 

May our God whose name is Jealous have mercy on us.



Ex 20:5 "Do not make for yourself an idol... for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God
Ex 34: 14 "Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
Dt 4:24 "Be careful not to forget the covenant of the LORD your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.
Dt 6:15 "Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you; for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you from the face of the land..."
Dt 32:21 "I will hide my face from them," he said, "and see what their end will be; for they are a perverse generation, children who are unfaithful. They made me jealous by what is not god and angered me with their worthless idols. I will make them envious by those who are not a people; I will make them angry by a nation that has no understanding."
Jos 24:19 "We too will serve the LORD, because he is our God. Joshua said to the people, 'You are not able to serve the LORD. He is a holy God; he is a jealous God. He will not forgive your rebellion and your sins. If you forsake the LORD and serve foreign gods, he will turn and bring disaster on you'...But the people said to Joshua, 'No! We will serve the LORD."
Eze 16 - Israel, a woman God rescued, clothed, and lavished favor on, prostitutes herself to other nations and the gods of other nations, giving that which God provided her with to them. God responds in jealous anger.
Eze 36:6 "Therefore prophesy concerning the land of Israel and say to the mountains and hills, to the ravines and valleys: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I speak in my jealous wrath because you have suffered the scorn of the nations. Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I swear with uplifted hand that the nation around you will also suffer scorn."  --This seems to be protective jealously directed at others - Do not harm my people, they are MINE - 
Joel 2:18 "Even now, declares the LORD, return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning... The the LORD will be jealous for his land and take pity on his people." -- again, protective jealousy, as in, leave them, they are mine - ?
Na 1:2 "The LORD is a jealous and avenging God; the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath. The LORD takes vengeance on his foes and maintains his wrath against his enemies. The LORD is slow to anger and great in power; the LORD will not leave the guilty unpunished. His way is in the whirlwind and the storm, and clouds are the dust of his feet."
Zeph 3:8 "'But they were still eager to act corruptly in all they did. Therefore wait for me,' declares the LORD, 'for the day I will stand up to testify. I have decided to assemble the nations, to gather the kingdoms and to pour out my wrath on them - all my fierce anger. The whole world will be consumed by the fire of my jealous anger. Then will I purify the lips of the peoples, that all of them may call on the name of the LORD and serve him shoulder to shoulder.'"
Zec 1:14 "Then the angel who was speaking to me said, 'Proclaim this word: This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'I am very jealous for Jerusalem and Zion, but I am very angry with the nations that feel secure.''"
Zec 8:2 "Again the word of the LORD Almighty came to me. This is what the LORD Almighty says: "I am very jealous for Zion; I am burning with jealousy for her.""
2 Co 11: 2 "I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him. But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. For if someone comes to you and preaches a Jesus other than the Jesus we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received, or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it easily enough..." 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Frost.

         Two roads converged in a wood, and I...
Sat and pondered which one to take until the dry leaves rustled under my bent knees, wild grape vines twined around my calves, and silvery spider threads interlaced brown wisps of hair.  
Well, maybe I had only wondered what to do for a couple months; in the grand scope of life that isn't all that long.  
I felt like I was not accomplishing what I was supposed to this summer, not working hard enough, not seeing enough progress. Then again, sometimes my version of accomplishments isn't the only one. Just because my "To-do" list isn't all checked off doesn't mean that something positive hasn't happened. I have been able to help my family, though not always in the ways that I had planned. I have reconnected with them. And I have gotten to relax and slowly recuperate from the beating I gave my body over four years of lack of sleep.

God often has a different agenda, a different "list" than I do. I get so wrapped up in mine, I forget to look for His. When things don't go my way, I want to sit down and throw a hissy-fit, showing Him just how I feel about it. But at the end of it, I sheepishly look up at Him and feel foolish. I brush myself off, and stand "at attention," more willing to see things His way. 


I wrote (most of) the above several weeks ago, before I went to Ecuador. At that time, life still seemed like a plain white sheet of paper, my pen poised above it wondering "what should be done with this?" (Yes, pens do wonder things like that. You'd be surprised at all the thoughts of inanimate objects). I feel pages and pages beyond that point now, as if I am a whole new person with whole new color ink flowing across the paper. Part of the change came while in Ecuador, my homeland (see previous post). I wrote this while traveling:

As we drove through Latacunga I had to blink back tears. I swallowed the knot in my throat and refused to cry. There were so many changes. New buildings sprung up right and left, roads had been added or reconstructed. And people went on about their daily lives. I did not cry because it had changed, but rather because I had not been there to witness it. I am no longer part of that life, I can no longer slip back into the rhythm of my hometown. Everything was so familiar, so dear to me. I liked living in Latacunga, I liked being able to walk nearly anywhere in town, or take a cab for only a dollar. All the guards I knew at the prison have left. We didn't even go into the prison, or even the church. We saw Wendy, her cute little restaurant, and her cozy apartment just up the street. But we did not see anyone else. Maybe on the way back through. 
Though I miss Latacunga, I don't want to live there right now. I still want to be in Chicago. Not for my whole life, maybe not even for the next ten years. But for now. I thank God that he gives me the desire to do that which he has set before me. 
 I feel more confidence and joy than I can remember feeling in a long time. It is as though I clearly hear my God saying, "This is the way, walk in it." And so I step out onto that path, onto the road less traveled, the one I least expected to take. The pen is no longer poised, motionless, but scribbling furiously as a cohesive pattern begins to emerge. And that step, that first stroke, will make all the difference.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Burning lungs, burning heart.

 It is so easy to get distracted.

 I have filled my life with distractions until I nearly suffocated under their weight. I said I trusted God to show me where to walk, what the next step in life was - but I wouldn't sit quietly long enough to listen him. A small corner of my conscious prodded me to stop filling my life with small nothings, to remember my God and seek after him, but I often muffled it with thoughts of "not yet. soon. after I _____." read, watch this show, work, spend time with family, sleep. So many excuses. Sometimes I assuaged the guilt by opening my Bible and dispassionately reading a chapter or by shooting off a quick prayer. But I knew the time was coming when I must once again get serious, set my feet firmly on the path, and seek His face.

The time has come.

Being in Ecuador, though only for a short time, has stirred something inside me. Yesterday nearly everyone was leaving for the day, so I went over to El Refugio.
I went there often in my high school years, a retreat center previously run by some very good friends, set at the base of a great hill/mountain ridge. Trails climb up the incline through the trees to meet low and high ropes courses, a zip line, a campfire circle, zigzagging up, up, up the steep slopes. This was my goal, to hike up until I found the perfect spot to sit and pray. The yearning for communion with my God grew stronger the more I thought of it. So I ventured out, lungs burning, calves shaking, up, up, as I settled into a steady rhythm. I suddenly remembered why I liked mountain climbing. 

Alone, I felt no pressure to go faster than I felt I could, no guilt for holding others back. I enjoyed the steady rhythm: breathe in and step with my right foot, breathe out and step with left. Lizards scurried off the trail at my approach, a fox looked back at me and loped into the bushes. The sun shone brightly, sometimes boldly warming my back, sometimes friendlily peeking through speckled shadows of leaves. A strong breeze brought fresh air to cool me in my exertion. As I got higher I saw the red shingled roofs of the buildings of El Refugio dwindling below me. 

I found the perfect spot. The path leveled out and broadened to encompass a fire pit with benches around it overlooking a gorgeous vista. Pine needles cushioned the ground, an air of peace encompassed the shady clearing. Uncertain where to start, I opened to Isaiah 40, a favorite passage of mine. Completely isolated from listening ears, I felt comfortable reading aloud, feeling the passion of the prophet roll from my tongue and tighten my chest. I cried as the LORD lamented Israel's rejection of Him, and as He forgave them anyway. I followed Isaiah through chapter 53, another that touches my heart, reading and rereading, frequently copying verses into my journal. Then I knelt down and prayed. 

And in the stillness of my open soul, waiting before the LORD, I felt the certainty which I had sought for months - what to do next in life. And His peace and joy filled my being.

Our God is so good. Yet how often do we, His people, stop up our ears and close our eyes, persisting in giving our attention to useless things and then grumbling against God in our calamities? I ache to convey God's faithfulness and goodness and mercy, to show people their sin and God's redemption. I ache for those who are blind to it and have never tasted it. I ache for those who, like I, knew but have forgotten. 

We in our pride think it is all about us, about making ourselves happy. We often think God will make our lives go the way we want them to. We often think God loves us and saves us because we are special. But this is so wrong. He saves us for His sake. If we are special, it is because he has chosen us. 

I shouldn't seek God so He will give me something. Lately my focus has been on finding direction, not on being with  God. I should seek God because of who He is. I limit myself and spurn God when my focus is on my wants and needs and how God can give them to me. God has created me and redeemed me for His glory. May my life be ever for this end.

"I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44:22

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Raindrops.

Rain.
I love the rain. I love walking in the drizzle, I love the heaviness of an approaching storm, I love downpours that soak straight to the bone.
I love the wind. Which is good, since I live in Chicago. Gentle breeze, brisk gust, strong gale, swirling round and round - I can almost fly...
Rain signifies something deeper to me, though.

The summer before I started college, I felt lost and afraid - change is a big deal for me. I had left my country, my friends, and was leaving my family. As I stood alone in the backyard overwhelmed with grief, I stepped out into the gentle rain, looked up at the sky, raindrops splashing in my face, and challenged God - Do you even care??? The wind picked up and the rain thickened in a sudden downpour. The sound of wind and rain filled my ears, whispering to me, I weep with those who weep...
Raindrops remind me of God's nearness. He is near to me in my joy, near to me in my fears, near to me in my sorrow.
God speaks his nearness into my life through rain. Also through sunshine, and pink tinged clouds, and rustling leaves, but especially through rain.
A phrase from Founder's Week at Moody a few years ago swirls around in my head: "The nearness of God is my good." It is our greatest good, our ultimate, highest good. Seek out and treasure the nearness of God. He reminds me of his nearness through raindrops. How about you?

Friday, May 18, 2012

B.A. in Educational Ministries - Youth Ministry

I ought to be rejoicing.

But instead I feel rather numb. Every now and then, I realize I have graduated. I am done. There is no more homework, no more academic pressure. I blink, and feel a small stirring of satisfaction at the tip of my rib cage. I blink again, and it's gone. More often than not, if I even think about it tears threaten to spill over and join the wave of loneliness and homesickness washing over me.

Commencement is supposed to be the beginning - but the beginning of what? Real life. Adulthood. My problem is, I don't know how to be an adult. I still love swinging, singing children's songs, reading picture books, standing on things just to be taller... So what is someone wearing pigtails and humming Psalty songs doing in the Real World?

As I walked up to the stage, having not slept the night before and already made one mistake in the ceremony, I was afraid I might simply collapse in front of Dr. Nyquist as he held out my "diploma." When I sat back down, the butterflies, tired of being trapped in my innards, were beating with all their might making sure I knew something special had just happened. (Either special or awful, they don't know how to differentiate between the two).
Many of my friends have much to look forward to - weddings, great job offers, internships... I don't know yet what I am doing. All my efforts over the past few months have brought me to this day - and now it is over.
I'm ok not knowing the future, it doesn't bother me that much. I have full confidence my God will make things clear. But there is nothing pulling me forward, driving me onward, no spice of excitement and anticipation.

So I sleep (a lot), mourn the loss of what was, and generally walk around in a daze. Pretty soon I'll have to gird up my loins and pull up on my bootstraps - but for a brief moment I hover in time and space, enjoying the uncertainty, being "other," observing my life, waiting on God. And every day, it becomes a bit more real: I am Cristina Hunter, college graduate, Moody Alum.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Last.

Every time I blink, I'm facing another "last."
My last Monday Morning Meeting with Food Service. My last opening shift at work. Last week of classes, last couple late night city walks, last Tuesday night at ICI, last moments as a college student. May 12, graduation day, looms on the horizon, overshadowing all I think or do. It ought to be something I look forward to, but instead all I can think is last.

So I need a first. This is my first blog.

As an MK, I have said goodbye to many people and places. I feel like each goodbye I've had to say over the years has sucked a little bit of life out of me, and I don't know how much more I have to give. I don't like being uprooted.

Growing up, we would take broken pieces of ivy or spider plant and put them in a glass jar filled with water. This does not just prolong wilting - they grow roots. I was always fascinated  by being able to see the roots, normally hidden in dirt and flower pot, and amazed that it could survive and grow even though it had been broken.

Like ivy, or a spider plant, I've learned to put down roots in different places as I grow. But they seem all torn up. So maybe I have been broken off, maybe I am dangling above the safety of dark, moist earth, gasping for more than just air. Maybe the roots I learn to put down will be transitive, ready to switch jars, preparing to move into a pot.  Maybe I am doomed to forever live in an old coffee jar. Or maybe I am blessed in that way.

So here's to my last two weeks at Moody Bible Institute. Here's to an unknown future. Here's to another series of goodbyes - may my tears be swallowed up in the vast waters of Lake Michigan, washed away by the river, and hidden in the crevices of the cracked sidewalks of my favorite city. Chicago.

The person I used to be.

“We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s OK, that’s good, you gotta keep movin...